I’m afraid we will slide back to making love once a month. How can I keep us connected?

Q: This summer was great; my husband and I camped, played golf, and had a lot more sex. Now that we are returning to the daily grind I’m afraid we will slide back to making love once a month. How can I keep us connected?

A: It sounds like you experienced the vacation fling phenomenon: couples needing to get away in order to get it on. The ingredients are simple: take away work demands, interrupt daily routine, create time and space, and have fun exploring new things. Mix together and voila, we get two relaxed happy people who want to play. And making love should be play, not work.

But now it’s back to the work week, cold weather, and the helter-skelter rush toward Christmas. Many couples store the summer sex life in the garage alongside the tent and the golf clubs, where lovin’ takes a back seat until the next road trip. Don’t let that happen. You need a new winter hobby, one that doesn’t involve ice skates. That new hobby is your love life.

Think about it. What are the features of a hobby? Well, a hobby is something we prioritize, study, and enjoy. If you love sculpting, you look forward to sculpting, you learn about sculpting, you plan time for sculpting, and you sculpt! Psychologically, couples need to switch their mind states in order to improve the state of their sex life. If the idea of making love feels like a burden, sex becomes just one more thing on the to-do list. Sadly, this is a common problem. Let me guess. Now that summer is over, you and your sweetie tend to make love infrequently, quickly, and late at night (after an exhausting day). Are you creative? Nope. The pattern is nipple-nipple-crotch goodnight, right?

No, I’m not psychic. But I have worked with thousands of couples, and the majority of them neglect their love life. Now contrast this with how you approach your hobbies. I’ll bet Loonies to Timbits that you save time in your week for that golf game or book club, dance class or boat ride. It is hubby, not hobby, that hears “not tonight, dear-I’m too tired”. Sex as a hobby means sex is fun. And we all make time for fun.

Making Love a Hobby

Schedule sex. Yup. In a long-term relationship, spontaneous sex is as common as a sasquatch sighting. I often hear couples complain “making a date for sex is not romantic!” to which I reply “you know what’s not romantic? Never having sex.”
Don’t leave love until last; grab an afternoon delight on the weekend or a quickie in the shower in the morning. If you have time to fit in the morning jog…you have time for cardio of a more naked variety
Study, learn, and plan to improve at your hobby. Read a sex book, consult an expert, buy some toys. Experiment. Try new things. And if you don’t sink a hole-in-one, try again. Practice makes for great sex, both on the road and on the home court