Blog
This year, Make the Holidays Romantic
November 28, 2023
We never make love – can you help?
October 24, 2023
The Sex You’re Not Having
October 23, 2023
If you are in a long-term relationship, how often do you and your partner have sex? Having a temporary dry spell is different than being in a sexless marriage – which is when you are having sex less than 6 times a year. If this sounds like the current state of your partnership, then it Read More
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From I Want a Divorce to Falling Back in Love – Real Couples Real Results in their own words
October 18, 2023
This October on Sex, Love, and Elephants, I take you behind the scenes as I talk with some of my Become Passion students about their relationship struggles and how they overcame.. Today, you’ll hear from Howard and Karen, a couple who joinedBecome Passion last year to save their marriage … after Howard suddenly asked for a Read More
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I am so LONELY in my relationship 😢 Is there Hope?
October 17, 2023
Sex Life Stuck in a Rut? (Here’s how to get out)
October 10, 2023
The Top 3 Reasons Couples Divorce—and How to Fix Them
October 4, 2023
Remember when you first got together with your sweetheart? That electric thrill pulsing through your body from just a simple touch or a brief kiss? After a decade or two with a mortgage, a few kids, and all the other stresses of daily life, you probably don’t feel quite the same… But wouldn’t it be Read More
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Can you ever fix relationship resentment? 😡 (overcoming anger)
October 3, 2023
Help I Don’t Like My Partner Anymore! 💔
September 25, 2023
Sensuality, Arousal, and Why You Should Never Say I’m Not In The Mood Ever Again
September 21, 2023
Do you feel like everyone is getting laid but you? Or like if you just knew how to do that thing, you would be able to keep your partner engaged in hot and sexy time? Maybe your partner can’t seem to keep their hands off of you but you secretly find this exhausting or even overwhelming… Well, Read More
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A very special announcement from Cheryl
September 19, 2023
Can I Reset My Failing Relationship?
August 14, 2023
Relationship ReBoot – Take the Passion Quiz NOW
January 17, 2023
A Holiday Message – Wishing You A Purrfect Week
December 27, 2022
Sarcasm: Playful Banter or Verbal Cruelty?
September 22, 2022
If you’re like me, your most sarcastic remarks were never made with the intention to cause harm. You’re simply a linguist with an eye for irony and a secret belief you should really be a comedian, right? Well, although that could very well be the case… Do you know the line between comedy and cruelty? Read More
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Learn to Fight Fair or Else: How One Couple Prevented Divorce by Getting on the Couch with Dr. Cheryl
September 22, 2022
You’re returning home from a long workday and you notice it: your sweetheart forgot to put out the trash again! Now that stinky mess is gonna sit around for two MORE weeks. What’s your first reaction? Are you pissed off, remembering every time your partner has failed to keep a promise? Or…are you annoyed at their absentmindedness, Read More
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Do Healthy Couples Argue?
September 22, 2022
If you’re very young and foolish—or maybe you’re old and foolish—falling in love early on might feel like your sweetheart understands you and can see inside your soul like no one has ever done before. Of course, some of this may be true. That’s why you feel such an intense bond. But love is a Read More
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Watch Your Mouth! Can Verbal Abuse Be Overcome?
September 22, 2022
“Dr. Cheryl…Should I break up with my verbally abusive partner?” Welcome back to the third installment in my Summer of Love couples Q&A series. Today, I’m sharing my advice for those of you that are wondering if verbal abuse in a relationship can ever be overcome . Do YOU have a question about Sex, Love, and Read More
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It’s Time to Start Scheduling Sex
September 22, 2022
Try as we might, every relationship gets stuck in lazy patterns—Yes, even mine. Relationships are a hard gig and it can be incredibly easy to grow complacent, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be stuck without romance or sensuality in your life. Welcome to episode 93 of Sex, Love, and Elephants. During my 2023 Read More
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Treat Your Sex Life Like a Hobby: Why You Need to Start Scheduling Intimacy
September 22, 2022
“Dr. Cheryl… Our sex life is so boring! How can we bring fun and sexiness back to the bedroom?” Today marks part 7 of my Summer of Love couples Q&A series, where I’ve been answering real questions from listeners just like you all summer long. Summer may be almost over, but my Q&A is just heating up. Read More
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Why the Time Out is Your Relationship’s Best Friend
September 22, 2022
Are you guilty of judging others for their primary response when they are flooded? Next time you find yourself judging a friend, couple, ex, or anyone else for acting irrationally when experiencing high emotions, STOP and take a good look in the mirror! Think back on a fight with your current or previous partner – Read More
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Help! I Want Sex—They Don’t! Your Love & Sex Questions Answered
September 22, 2022
“Dr. Cheryl, I want sex more than my partner does… help!” You wouldn’t believe how often I get this question in its many forms. Whether you’re the partner feeling guilty for your lacking libido or the partner with the insatiable drive—YOU. ARE. NORMAL. Yes, both of you! For the next few weeks, I’m sharing answers to Read More
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Your Sex Drive and the Rollercoaster of Lust: Myths Busted :)
September 22, 2022
So, you’re in a long-term relationship and it feels like that honeymoon lust has disappeared. When you first got together, you couldn’t keep your tongues out of each other’s mouths and your hands off of each other’s bodies, right? These days, do you ever find yourself laying in bed next to your snoring spouse and Read More
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The Third Key to Passion: Sensuality
September 22, 2022
You wouldn’t try to summit a mountain without a rope, carabiners, a heavy-duty pair of boots, and the proper training, right? So… why would you enter into a life-long commitment with a partner without the right tools and knowledge? Today’s show is the final episode of a four-part series on the Keys to Passion and Read More
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The Second Key to Passion: Thrill
September 22, 2022
Don’t you just love falling in love? The butterflies, the goosebumps, the chills down your spine… and elsewhere! That feeling can be like lightning in a bottle—exciting as hell but almost impossible to capture and maintain. In my years of practice with real couples, the most common complaint in long-term relationships is boredom. They love Read More
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The First Key to Passion: Intimacy
September 21, 2022
How many exceptional couples do you know that have been together for more than a year? Couples that really seem to be in love, still get excited when their partner walks into a room, and have that sexual spark between them? Chances are, there aren’t a ton of people coming to mind right now. The Read More
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Revive a Dying Relationship With the Three Keys to Passion
September 21, 2022
If you find yourself laying in bed at night next to your snoring sweetheart wondering “Where has the Passion gone?” you are not alone. The good news? Once you know the Three Keys to Passion you can recapture the magic and put the pep back into your sex life. Because great relationships are not an accident. So, Read More
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For an Exceptional Relationship, Love With Intention
September 14, 2022
Grown-up content alert! In this episode, I use explicit language to talk in depth about sexual exercises that you and your honey can experiment with. This content is not appropriate for little ears—this is grown-up content that will help you grow in the bedroom. Let’s face it: when two lovers have been in a committed Read More
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Does Long Term Love HAVE to be Boring?
September 13, 2022
Don’t Make Excuses for Bad Behaviour – Instead, Apologize like a MoFo
September 1, 2022
Imagine I install a camera in your home and record everything you say to your partner for a week—would you be comfortable sharing that footage with your nearest and dearest? The good, the bad, and the ugly? Or would you be ashamed and embarrassed at how you speak and interact with your sweetheart, especially in Read More
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I Can’t Orgasm With My Partner – Help! 😳
August 16, 2022
My Partner Refuses to Argue – How can we Talk about the Big Stuff? 😳
August 2, 2022
I’m Not Attracted to my Partner – What can I do? 😢
July 19, 2022
How can I practice Tantric Sex with my Partner?
July 5, 2022
How To WANT MORE SEX (In My Marriage or Relationship)
June 21, 2022
3 Signs You ARE with the Right Person! Your Top 5 Love Questions Answered 💞
June 7, 2022
Couples Who Argue Stay Together… Here’s Why! 💞
May 24, 2022
Your Top Love & Sex Questions Answered 💞
May 10, 2022
Will Smith Was FLOODED 🧠 – Can you relate?
April 26, 2022
It’s Not MY Fault! 😣 Why Defensiveness Predicts Divorce
April 5, 2022
Learn how to argue like a grown-up, not a 4-year-old! Read and watch now
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Unhappy in Love? 😢 Grab a pen…
March 1, 2022
Listen to the latest episode here – https://shows.acast.com/sex-love-elephants-with-dr-cheryl/episodes/unhappy-in-life-or-love-rewrite-the-story-in-your-mind
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Make your Sweetheart a Stocking and Win a Passion Prize Pack 🔥
December 14, 2021
One Quick Tip to Reignite the Fire in Your Relationship Tonight 🔥
November 30, 2021
The #1 Most Important Quality To Have A Great Relationship Is…
November 9, 2021
What it takes to be a Great Couple PLUS live Q&A today
October 26, 2021
Want to Fix your Relationship? 💞
October 19, 2021
Reignite The Spark In Your Relationship – Join My Free Passion Masterclass
October 13, 2021
Marriage Kills your Sex Life – 👿 True or FALSE?
October 12, 2021
Why is my Marriage Boring? 😴
October 7, 2021
You hate fighting. Well, what if you decide your partner is always right? 😇
September 21, 2021
What Happens When The Love Doctor Goes For Therapy?
September 14, 2021
How to (Re)Build a Great Love Relationship 😍
August 3, 2021
How To Avoid A Divorce! (Kill The Soulmate Myth & Save Your Relationship)
July 20, 2021
How Can I Fix My Sexless Marriage?
July 6, 2021
If you do this ONE thing when you argue, your relationship is in big trouble
June 22, 2021
Relationships Are FREAKING HARD! (here’s what you can do about it)
June 1, 2021
How To Make Date Night Sexy & Fun! 😘
May 11, 2021
How to have multiple orgasms (and increase your pleasure) 🔥
April 27, 2021
Relationship Arguments You Can Never Win (And What To Do About It)
April 13, 2021
“Should I stay with him or should I go?” 🔥
March 19, 2021
Can you fix a troubled relationship? Find out now.
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What is Tantra and Why Would I Practice It? 🔥
March 12, 2021
What exactly is Tantric Sex? And Should I Practice It?: Learn more.
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“I want sex but my husband doesn’t. Help!” Why we lose desire.
March 9, 2021
The #1 Critical Ingredient For Relationship Success
March 4, 2021
Can Your Relationship Survive Cheating?
February 23, 2021
Can your relationship survive cheating? Find out now.
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How Can Couples Stop Arguing?
February 16, 2021
Sex Life Boring? Add some Toys (Sex Toys 101)
February 9, 2021
Am I With The Wrong Person?
February 2, 2021
Are you with the write person? The answer may surprise you: Learn more.
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Reboot your Relationship in 2021 (Free Classes Coming Soon!)
December 29, 2020
Reboot your relationship for 2021 and beyond: Here’s how.
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A Holiday Message – Wishing You A Purrfect Week
December 22, 2020
Does Sex Feel Like A Chore? Let’s Fix That.
December 1, 2020
Nasty Arguments Wrecking Your Romance? Here’s Why
November 17, 2020
Not “In Love”?… Lousy Sex Life? …Ready to Fix it? Couples Program begins Saturday ❤️🔥
October 27, 2020
“She NEVER Apologizes” – Is Fighting Wrecking Your Relationship?
October 20, 2020
Are You In A Sexless Marriage?
October 13, 2020
Making LOVE less than six times a year? You’re not alone if you rarely have sex… Learn More.
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“Your Husband is Having an Affair” – On The Couch with Couples like You
October 6, 2020
How I Went From Love Disasters to Exceptional Passion
September 29, 2020
My personal journey from love disaster to exceptional passion: Learn more.
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Why Couples Therapy Fails (And What To Do About It)
September 22, 2020
Are You A Lazy Lover!? (DO THIS NOW)
September 8, 2020
What should you do if you or your partner is a lazy lover?: Watch now to find out.
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What To Do When Your Partner No Longer Wants To Have Sex
September 1, 2020
Would YOU Want To Date A Six? Make Your Relationship A Ten!
August 25, 2020
Do You Lay In Bed At Night Next To Your Spouse And Feel Lonely?
August 18, 2020
The Huge Mistake Couples Make When Summer Ends (and how to fix it)
August 11, 2020
What Do Sushi & Great Sex Have In Common?
August 4, 2020
Jump-Start Great Sex & Romance (Here’s How!)
July 28, 2020
How To Increase Communication & Emotional Intimacy (Dog Hikes Saved My Marriage)
July 21, 2020
What To Do When Your Relationship Hits Major Speedbumps
July 14, 2020
What do you do when your relationship hits a rough patch? Watch now to learn more.
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Aging & Sexuality – The #1 Problem And The Solution
July 7, 2020
Go have some FUN with your Sweetie (and win a prize!?)
June 23, 2020
Dead Bed? Reboot Your Sensual Desire By Creating Arousal, Instead Of Waiting For It
June 16, 2020
The Three Deadly Arguing Styles That Will Sink Your Relationship (Which One Are You?)
June 9, 2020
Is Too Much Time Together Straining Your Relationship?
June 2, 2020
Arguing while Isolated? How to say “I’m Sorry”
May 5, 2020
Want Great Love and Happiness? Drop the Ego.
April 21, 2020
A Formula to Help You Break Free From Anxiety and Other Negative Emotions
April 14, 2020
Is Happiness Really A Choice?
March 31, 2020
Love in the age of COVID-19 – Anxiety, Relationships, & how to Act Under Pressure
March 24, 2020
Love In the Age of COVID (and what we can learn)
March 17, 2020
What can we learn about love from COVID-19? (A Dharma Perspective): Watch to learn more.
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Why Vacations lead to Great Sex, Fun, and Attraction (and how to bring that mojo home with you)
March 10, 2020
Why Busy Couples Risk Disconnect and How to Fix It (Don’t Let Work Ruin your Relationship)
February 25, 2020
Him – “I can never do anything right”. Want love? Focus on the right thing!
February 18, 2020
What Golfers know about Great Sex and Passion
February 11, 2020
Fall in Love Again with the One You Are With
February 11, 2020
Falling in love is easy, but staying in love is hard. Learn how to fall in love again with the one you are with.
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We Rarely Make Love Anymore…Is There Anything We Can Do?
February 4, 2020
She felt Lonely and Unappreciated… and had an Affair
January 28, 2020
His Marriage Was Over And He Didn’t Know Why…
January 21, 2020
How To Have More and Better Sex In 2020
January 14, 2020
Are you keeping the THRILL alive? Take the Passion Quiz and Find out!
December 31, 2019
Season’s Greetings!
December 24, 2019
How’s your Intimate connection? Take the Passion Quiz and Find out!
December 17, 2019
Passion Is Possible. You Just Need To Cultivate It.
December 10, 2019
One Simple Step to Make Your Mate More Attractive
November 19, 2019
Mindfulness Improves Your Sex Life! Here’s How.
November 5, 2019
How To Fight Fair
October 22, 2019
Do Healthy Couples Argue?
October 8, 2019
Unleashing Your Dark Sexual Energy – The Fifth of the Top 5 love and sex problems!
September 24, 2019
Sex Drive Differences – The Fourth of the Top 5 love and sex problems!
September 10, 2019
Commitment versus Doubt – The Third of the Top 5 love and sex problems!
August 27, 2019
Conflict & Always Thinking You Are Right – The Second Of The Top 5 Love & Sex Problems!
August 20, 2019
Expecting A Soulmate Will Wreck Your Relationship – The First Of The Top 5 Love & Sex Problems!
August 13, 2019
Love is a Choice – plus, what are the top 5 love and sex problems?
August 6, 2019
Relationships are Freaking Difficult. But you can learn how to make them easy, passionate, and fun.
July 30, 2019
Can you love your perfectly imperfect partner – for better or worse, in sickness and in health? You can. Here’s how.
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What can you do if you are not “In Love” with your partner anymore?
July 16, 2019
Don’t Feel Like Making Love? Here’s how to Re-Ignite your Erotic Engine
July 2, 2019
Don’t feel like making love? Here’s what to do about it: Watch now….
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Lost That Loving Feeling? Re-Ignite Passion In Three Simple Steps
June 25, 2019
Learn more about why Passion fades, and what you can do about it: Watch now….
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The Biochemistry of Lust and Love – How to Fall in Love Again, here and now
June 18, 2019
Learn more about the Biochemistry of Lust and Love and how to Fall in Love Again Watch now….
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What Is Tantric Sex and Why Would You Want To Practice It?
June 4, 2019
Watch this short video to learn what you can do to bring Tantric connection into your love life Watch now….
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How To Make Monogamy Hot Again
May 28, 2019
“My wife wants to open the relationship. Is our marriage over?”. For more on this hot topic read my latest article.
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Your Love Boat Needs Maintenance – Here’s how to Spark Passion in two easy steps
May 21, 2019
Tend to your “Love Boat”- so it doesn’t end up on the rocks! Here’s how….
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Great Love & Sex Are All In Your Head
May 7, 2019
How can you keep love new and exciting?Watch this video to learn how.
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Your Marriage Is Not A Business – Stop Treating It Like One!
April 23, 2019
Are you stuck in
marriage, incorporated? if so, it’s time to create passion, incorporated.don’t let monogamy get dull. There is sun under the clouds…click here to uncover it..
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What Business Success and Love Success Have to do With Each Other?
April 16, 2019
What Business Success and Love Success have to do with each other Listen to the full episode on the SweetLife Podcast here.
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How Can You Maintain Passion In A Long-Term Relationship?
April 9, 2019
The honeymoon phase ends – then what? you can maintain passion. Cultivate thrill, Intimacy and Sensuality…and play with taboo. Listen to the full podcast episode here.
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What is Tantric Sex and how can it Enliven your Lovemaking?
March 6, 2019
What is Tantric Sex anyway, and why would you want to practice it? hmmm…how about orgasmic bliss?Click here to watch the video now.
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Biggest Predictor of Happiness? Having a Great Love Relationship.
February 28, 2019
Make a career out of being an awakened lover (because happiness begins at home, not at the office). Watch the full interview with Tony from Execunet..
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Can Mindfulness Make Us Less Mean?
February 28, 2019
If you look for what’s wrong with your sweetheart, you will find it. So instead, look for what’s right!
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Create Love and Passion that Lasts a Lifetime
February 12, 2019
Can love last a lifetime? You bet it can. I watched it, as a kid growing up. My grandparents, Norm and Evelyn, were the couple who helped me believe that love and passion can last forever. Click here to watch the video now.
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Find Passion and Intimacy through Mindfulness
February 9, 2019
In a recent interview with Women’s Radio Speak Up! I had the opportunity to teach on how to re-ignite the passion we think we have lost and how to fall in love all over again with the one we are with because it turns out that great love – and sex – are all in our head! Read on to listen to the full interview.
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Interview with Michelle Skeen (Relationships 2.0)
February 7, 2019
I had the pleasure of appearing on Michelle Skeen’s radio show and podcast Relationships 2.0. We had an in depth conversation about Buddha’s Bedroom, read on to access the full podcast episode in iTunes or your favourite App.
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How I Almost Quit Couples Therapy—and Love—Until Mindfulness Saved Me
February 5, 2019
How I Almost Quit Couples Therapy—and Love—Until Mindfulness Saved Me. Read the full article excerpted from Gottman.com
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Passion in 2019
February 5, 2019
New Harbinger published an article I wrote titled “Passion In 2019”. Read on to access the full article.
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Tantric Meditation & Orgasmic Bliss
February 5, 2019
Spirituality and Health – published an excerpt from Buddha’s Bedroom on Tantric Meditation & Orgasmic Bliss. Read on to learn more…
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Here’s How to Know If You’ve Found the Person You’re Meant to Be With
February 1, 2019
Here’s How to Know If You’ve Found the Person You’re Meant to Be With
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First, kill the soulmate fantasy. Then, ask these questions.
WHAT ARE THE TWO KEYS TO YOUR EROTIC ENGINE?
January 15, 2019
If you want to get in the mood, there are two keys to start your erotic engine – the Desire Key and the Arousal Key. Watch this video to learn more about Arousal and Desire and how to re-ignite the passion you used to feel: Click here to watch the video now.
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Why you need to Plan for Passion if you want a great Love Relationship
January 11, 2019
You can make your relationship more fun, sexy and passionate in 2019 – if you Plan for Passion. Click here to watch the video now.
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Create A Passionate New Year
January 5, 2019
Make The New Year Passionate! (and find out why I cried when I opened a box today) Click here to watch the video now.
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The Greatest Gift You Can Give Is The Gift Of Presence
December 28, 2018
The Greatest Gift You Can Give Is The Gift Of Presence. Want to learn more? Click here to watch the video now.
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Season’s Greetings from Dr. Cheryl
December 24, 2018
Happy Holidays from Dr. Cheryl. Click to watch the video now.
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Passion Takes Action! Order Buddha’s Bedroom And Get An Amazing Gift!
December 12, 2018
Get your love off the back burner by taking action. Order Buddha’s Bedroom today and get an amazing gift! Click here to watch the video now.
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Slowing Your Mind is Great Foreplay
December 5, 2018
If you want to have sex more often, meditate. Say what?! The image of a stoic, cross-legged person suddenly leaping up, tearing off their comfy clothes and tackling their stunned (yet probably delighted) partner isn’t exactly commonly associated with mindfulness. Well, perhaps it’s time to change that. The proposed effects of meditation on the body and the mind have implications for both your interest in making love and your sexual pleasure itself. So that weekend silent retreat or weekly MBSR class can improve your sex life, if you want it to.
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What Happens When You Break Something In Your Relationship?
October 19, 2018
Today I want to talk about the greatest couples apology template I can offer you. A simple 3 step process for apologizing to begin the healing process in your relationship. Click here to watch the video now.
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How To Get Turned On If You’re In A Long Term Relationship
October 2, 2018
Today’s video is all about Love and Passion and the difference between Desire and Arousal. In this video you’ll also learn how to get turned on if you’re in a long term relationship. Click here to watch the video now.
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Summer Is A Mindset
September 11, 2018
Summer is a state of mind. This video is all about how summer spices up your love life and how it doesn’t have to end there. It’s about prioritizing your lover life. Click here to watch the video now.
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How Do I Keep The Passion Alive?
July 24, 2018
Today I’m going to share a video with you about the three keys to passion and my top tips on how to keep things spicy, fun and romantic with your partner over the long term. The video will teach you about the 3 specific things you can do to re-ignite Passion with your Sweetheart. Click here to watch the video now.
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Does your fighting predict the end?
July 3, 2018
All couples argue. The question is, are you simply a fiery emotional pair? Think about those movie scenes where she yells at him, he shouts back that he won’t put up with this anymore, and suddenly they’re kissing passionately. If this is you, disagreement may be your idea of foreplay. But be careful; sticks and stones break bones, but sometimes words really can scar souls and break marriages.
Here’s my diagnosis: Your fights are healthy if they are infrequent, brief and—despite raised voices and heated words—end up in a resolution where both of you feel loved and heard…and then maybe even have great make-up sex. Your fights are unhealthy if they often involve name-calling or threats to end the relationship, or if they are not resolved and leave one of you feeling frustrated or wronged. In essence, does the fight bring you closer, or push you apart?
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Touch More, Touch Often – The Science of Mindful Loving
June 21, 2018
I love to watch people touch the ones they love. When I witnessed the birth of my beloved friends’ daughter, the most poignant moment was watching the first-time father tear his shirt off and hold the minutes-old infant to his bare, receptive chest. Skin on skin, heart to heart. At our best, we intuitively use touch to span the distance between us. Two separate bodies and minds, me and you, become an “us” when we embrace. That which is broken—a promise, a skinned knee, even a heart—is coaxed toward fullness again in the incubator of a loved one’s arms.
Since touching each other brings a multitude of emotional, physical, and social health benefits you’d think we’d be cuddling all the time. Yet our culture is touch-deprived.
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When the Gloves Come Off – Can Meditation help you Fight Fair?
May 3, 2018
This morning I awoke feeling peaceful and happy. I smiled as I listened to the singing birds. Then I heard the revving of a garbage truck. Leaving. I turned toward the man I love and snapped, “Arg! You forgot to take the garbage out AGAIN didn’t you? You’re so lazy!” I jumped out of bed, grabbed the mutts and headed for the beach. I glowered at the overflowing trash cans, blaming them for not strolling to the curb. Then my angelic tufted-toed orange dog saw another canine. Instead of a wiggly hello, she barked and lunged. Like mother, like daughter.
Let’s face it. Sometimes, despite the hours logged on the cushion, despite the meditation retreats, and certainly despite our best intentions, we don’t handle relationship conflict well. I’ve written a lot about how mindfulness makes us better lovers. But can it make us better “fighters”?
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Rewire your Brain for Love – Don’t let old fears hijack your relationship
May 2, 2018
George was missing. The Disneyland hotel bed was crisply made but my sister’s security bear, loved and nuzzled into a sheepskin sphere with one weird glass eye, had vanished. A frantic call later, the smiling concierge appeared and placed a freshly laundered koala blob back into the waiting arms, and heart, of a tiny blonde girl. She slept, content, wrapped around her fuzzy friend.
It’s endearing, isn’t it, when a child needs a stuffed toy to feel safe. Until the tantrums start and the kid can’t calm themselves without it. We adults are no different. Hey, we all want to feel safe and secure. That’s why we fall in love. Except sometimes falling in love makes us feel scared, not safe, and we act like a nutcase—wracked with insecurity and fears. Why?
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Rituals that Connect can keep Love Vibrant and Alive
May 1, 2018
Three days a week, I trot up the cement stairs that separate my home from my office. I switch on the kettle and check that the Kleenex box is full. Next, with the ocean reflecting blues and grays on the window, I sit with my palm on my heart and reflect on love and happiness. And then I welcome the first couple of the day.
“He never opens the car door for me anymore,” Desiree gripes. “Yah?” Scott huffs. “Well she says I can’t get a motorbike, and then yells because I don’t feel like some big anniversary party.” She shoots back, “I don’t even know who you are anymore.” And so it begins.
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Are you Bored with your Mate? (Newsflash – It’s Not their Fault!)
March 4, 2018
Love boredom runs rampant both outside and inside the bedroom. And while it seems like a mystery – how the thrill doesn’t last forever – there is a simple, and correctable, cause.
The romance didn’t pack its black lacey self up and crawl out the bedroom window – you stopped making loving effort. Your neglected romance got kicked into the corner of your closet, sharing space with the lonely unmatched socks who are missing their mates as much as you are missing yours. You lost that loving feeling because you got complacent.
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This Valentine’s Day Forget Chocolate – Practice Mindful Sex
February 13, 2018
This Valentine’s Day Forget Chocolate – Practice Mindful Sex
Have you ever had an orgasm while meditating? One of my students reports that her inner peace sometimes comes with a side dish of Oh My! She worried that she was weird, and asked “isn’t mindfulness about, well, the mind? Why do I get turned on?” As a sex therapist and meditation teacher, it drives me crazy that the topic of sex is avoided in discussions of mindfulness. If arousal is mentioned at all, it’s like a repeat of the bad advice we got in seventh-grade sex-ed class – sex is dirty, don’t think about it, nice meditators hang out in the mind, not the messy ole’ body. This leads to the confusion expressed by my student. But meditation is not meant to be a disconnected head-trip – it is about direct, embodied experience of what is occurring right now. And if right now you are making love, sexual pleasure can become a fabulous meditation object.
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I find myself attracted to my best friend. Should I cross the line?
February 8, 2018
I’ve been divorced for over a year, and I find myself attracted to my best friend. He has been with me through thick and thin. All my girlfriends say “don’t do it!” Should I?
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What’s The Number One Thing That’s Going to Kill My Mans Desire For Me?
December 12, 2017
Welcome back to another Video LoveByte where I answer your most burning Love and Relationship questions.
Today’s question comes from Tanya and she asks:
“What’s the number one thing that’s going to kill my mans desire for me?”
In this video I’ll share TWO of the biggest reasons why your partner may be feeling less horny towards you…and you toward him.
(This may surprise you)
Watch the full video on YouTube here.
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My husband wants us to have mutual orgasms and I feel like I am letting him down. Am I normal?
December 12, 2017
Q: I have always been able to have an orgasm when I masturbate, but I rarely come during intercourse. My husband wants us to have mutual orgasms and I feel like I am letting him down. Am I normal?
A: In a word,yes. The majority of women-research indicates up to 80% – cannot reach orgasm through intercourse alone (or do so only occasionally). Listen up. Fewer than a quarter of women can come through thrusting alone; no matter how big his penis is, no matter how long he lasts, and no matter how you feel about him. The clitoris is the female sex organ; that is where the majority of the nerve endings that lead to orgasm are found. It is not located in the vagina, but outside and above it a few centimetres. When you touch yourself, you know exactly how hard or soft, slow or fast, to touch, and orgasms become easy. In most sexual positions with your partner, the penis does not provide adequate direct or indirect stimulation (pressure, rubbing) on the clitoris to lead to orgasm. Your hubby is frustrated that you don’t come together, but I suspect you are even more discouraged that you don’t come at all.
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Disagreements are inevitable, but couples must learn how to argue well, or at least do no lasting harm.
November 7, 2017
All couples argue. The question is, are you simply a fiery emotional pair? Think about those movie scenes where she yells at him, he shouts back that he won’t put up with this anymore, and suddenly they’re kissing passionately. If this is you, disagreement may be your idea of foreplay. But be careful; sticks and stones break bones, but sometimes words really can scar souls and break marriages. Here’s my diagnosis… Your fights are healthy if they are infrequent, brief and—despite raised voices and heated words—end up in a resolution where both of you feel loved and heard…and then maybe even have great make-up sex. Your fights are unhealthy if they often involve name-calling or threats to end the relationship, or if they are not resolved and leave one of you feeling frustrated or wronged. In essence, does the fight bring you closer, or push you apart?
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How Can I Get Comfortable In My Own Skin?
October 10, 2017
Q: My husband is a naked kind of guy. I’d rather have the lights out and make love under cover. How can I get comfortable in my own skin?
A: You are not the first woman to confess that she can barely bare it all. We actually live in a fairly frigid culture, and I am not referring to the winters in Iqaluit. Despite the popularly bandied belief that sexualized media and prolific pornography indicate an ease with all things sexual, at heart North America is still more Victorian than Victoria Secret. Sure, fashions and attitudes have changed dramatically; our great grandmothers would have been scandalized if a sister flashed too much ankle, and now our daughters flaunt cleavage, belly-button jewelry, and visible underwear everywhere. However, rapid social change is an external phenomenon. Internally and psychologically, many women have not kept pace. After all, for our generation “thongs” were rubber sandals. We may wish to feel comfortable flaunting our erotic selves, but we still carry some of the old embarrassment in our DNA. In other words, even liberated women can feel pretty uptight.
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Am I With The Right Person, Or Am I Settling?
September 25, 2017
So you’re in a relationship and you’ve got doubts… you ask yourself:
“Am I with the right person? How do I know if they’re my soul mate?”
A lot of you asked a variation of this question and in today’s video I’m going to answer this as well as debunk one of the greatest myths of our time. The myth of the soulmate.
I’m also going to share a little exercise you can use right away to help you gain some clarity and quickly figure out if you’re with the right person in under 5 minutes.
Watch the full video on YouTube here.
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I’m afraid we will slide back to making love once a month. How can I keep us connected?
September 25, 2017
Q: This summer was great; my husband and I camped, played golf, and had a lot more sex. Now that we are returning to the daily grind I’m afraid we will slide back to making love once a month. How can I keep us connected?
A: It sounds like you experienced the vacation fling phenomenon: couples needing to get away in order to get it on. The ingredients are simple: take away work demands, interrupt daily routine, create time and space, and have fun exploring new things. Mix together and voila, we get two relaxed happy people who want to play. And making love should be play, not work.
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At 47, Can I Really Find Love On The Internet?
September 15, 2017
Q – After an unexpected divorce and two years of healing, I am ready to be in another relationship. But I have not been on a “date” since my teens! At 47, can I really find love on the internet?
A – In a word, yes. Marriages that began as a click on an internet profile are increasingly common. Why? Because adults today tend to have a limited social world, at least in terms of old fashioned face-to-face contact. We work, we parent, we see our girlfriends, and we don’t get out for anything else. We watch movies at home, we bank and order groceries on the computer, and we send texts rather than talk. Tangled in the World Wide Web, we seem more connected but are more isolated than ever. So how’s a girl ever gonna meet a guy? Forget the cute outfit honey; get thee to thy keyboard. Introducing your new matchmaker; your laptop.
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How can I get my sex life back after the birth of my next child?
September 5, 2017
Q – How can I get my sex life back after the birth of my next child? Our daughter is 4, and we joke about “before Lola and after Lola” in terms of how becoming parents seemed to kill our passion. Now we are preparing for number two, and I am afraid we’ll never make love again.
A – Well, mommy, you are stuck between being a parent and being a Lover. Research shows that the greatest drop in marital satisfaction comes after the birth of the first child. (from research by John Gottman, Seattle Marital Institute, quoted in his books) How sad that something as wonderful as parenthood can deeply undermine the loving bond a couple had before there were three. Kids can kill not only your sex life, but your Lover life. Being a Lover is an active process; a verb, not a noun. You both need to cultivate passion and intimacy – it is not going to just show up when you are in the middle of breastfeeding and burping, hockey practice and homework.
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He Isn’t My Type. Can Love Work Without Chemistry?
August 29, 2017
Q – I’ve been dating a guy for a few weeks who is great on paper. We both love to travel and our kids are similar ages. but I am a little ashamed to say that he is not my physical type. Can love work without chemistry?
A – It is said that the eyes are the window to the soul. Unfortunately, when it comes to dating, many potentially epic love affairs end before they start simply because we don’t like how he looks. Let me ask you this – if you were blind, would you find him attractive? Many people confuse good looks with attraction, and they are not the same. Sure, we turn our heads when a hunky man swaggers by, but if we talk to him he can quickly plummet from prince to toad -hot outside and empty inside. Alternatively, a guy with crooked teeth and a bit of a paunch can reveal confidence and playfulness that slide him into our heart, and into our bed.
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Does The Sex Have To Get Boring?
July 25, 2017
Does the sex have to get boring? If so, what do you do? In today’s video I’ll answer that question as well as give you the latest update on my newest offering, the video LoveByte Q&A series – click here to watch now
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Don’t Squabble Over Small Stuff – Make Love, Not War
February 27, 2017
What’s the dumbest argument you’ve ever had with a partner? Mine happened in a little blue convertible, driving to my former boyfriend’s cabin. We were in love, but we clashed often. We stopped for ice cream, and he brought me the wrong flavor. I complained loudly, he fired back. Then he reached over, took the sundae, and threw it out of the moving car. I stared at him in open-mouthed shock. Then I clearly saw how our discontented minds caused the harsh words and deeds. In that moment I had a choice. I could keep criticizing, or I could contact my heart. So I laughed, he relaxed, and I pledged to learn to fight fair.
Sure, I am a love expert now, but the truth is, I used to have tumultuous relationships. I mistook tantrums for passion. As for make up sex? Overrated.
Read moreThis Valentine’s, Choose to Love, Mindfully
February 3, 2017
Valentine’s Day—a sweet sexy reminder to wow your mate with passion and appreciation, or a Hallmark holiday that pressures you to cough up romance on demand? Your response to this single-item test is telling. Sure, it’s easy to be cynical on February 14 and ignore the whole thing, or grab a random card because if you don’t your partner pouts until spring. But if you see only the superficialities, you are missing the possibilities. For love itself is…well, great, and celebrating is not cliché. So this year, instead of refusing to participate, use Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to love mindfully.
My granddad Norman was great at mindful loving. He first laid his sparkling blue eyes on my petite blonde grandmother Evelyn at a Valentine’s dance.
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Kill the Soulmate and Save your Relationship
October 4, 2016
Shaun Cassidy, teen singing idol and one of TV’s sexy Hardy Boys, was my soulmate. There I was clad in the kilt and knee socks of a private school girl, lusting over this blue-eyed heartthrob and completely convinced we would fall in love. He would meet my deepest desires (and based on the surprisingly explicit fantasies I penned starring him and me, those desires needed meeting). When he whisked me away to his Beverly Hills mansion I would know and be known. Mated at the soul level, I would never feel alone again.
Turns out Shaun was not my soulmate.
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Fight or Flight – Why do we argue before we say goodbye?
September 25, 2016
It’s a funny thing about couples and travel. Currently, I’m on a smooth flight to New Orleans, but last night my beloved man and I narrowly escaped an emotional plane crash. Mindful Loving averted an argument that could have left both of us hurt, stewing, and disconnected for our whole week apart. What happened? Unexpected work issues made him 2 hours late for our last night together. I’d been looking forward to our romantic romp all day, and when I got his text 20 minutes after I’d expected him to walk through the door saying he still an hour away I flooded with negative emotion. And then I called him (which was a very bad idea). I let him know I was angry and hurt, and I didn’t use my nice psychologist voice. But then a miracle occurred. Instead of escalating the turbulence, I suddenly paused and said “I don’t want to fight. I’m going to hang up now and see you in a bit”. Why? Because I’ve seen this pre-flight movie way too many times before. And it doesn’t have a happy ending.
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Your mate is not wrong, just different.
September 15, 2016
Q – I want my mate to meditate. He’s a great partner in many ways, but we don’t fit philosophically. I teach mindfulness to at-risk youth and he is a high-stakes investment guy. I keep asking him to join me on the cushion, but he says it isn’t for him. How can I change his mind?
A – Since cave-boy first met cave-girl, partners have been trying to change each other. If only he or she liked dinosaur-knuckle stew, or would enjoy those William Shakespeare plays with me, or wanted to adopt a parrot. Or would learn to meditate. Sigh. So much relationship misery is caused by our attempts to fix our mate. But beware of the insidious if only. This thinking points to the fatal flaw in the scramble to live a pain-free life. It has an inherent assumption that sets you up for suffering – If only the one I love would change, then I would be happy.
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Mindful Divorce – What are you hanging onto right now? What happens if you simply let go?
August 10, 2016
I was never one of those girls who dreamed of my wedding day. I was an independent tomboy who spent my time wrangling horses and existential angst. As a young woman I called marriage “The M Word”. Then I walked into a play reading and an incorrigible green-eyed actor took one look at me and proclaimed to his friend “I’m going to marry that woman”. A year later we eloped to Greece.
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Make your Lover your Hobby
May 2, 2016
My best friend Lori, whom I met in a Scottish highland dancing class when we were nine years old, has a strange hobby. She runs 100-mile ultra marathons in the mountains. For fun. I know, crazy, right? Because I’m the sane one, my hobby is to train my dog, or perhaps she trains me, in agility. That’s where my leopard-spotted rescue mutt joyfully runs through tunnels and zooms over teeter-totters while I puff to keep up. Another hobby is my love life. That’s where I train my sweetie, or perhaps he trains me, in all things sensual and connective. We learn new communication techniques, we make time for lovemaking (which occasionally involves a teeter-totter or puffing to keep up), and we plan romantic adventures together.
But wait. Can your love life be a hobby? You bet it can.
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Meditate for Better Sex and Orgasmic Bliss
February 7, 2016
People often ask me what sex and meditation have to do with each other. A lot! I want to holler. But since my meditation teacher side is not supposed to holler, I calmly explain that mindfulness is not meant to be a disconnected head-trip. In addition to mind, we are to embody fullness by bringing rapt attention to all five senses. Then my noisier sex therapist side chimes in that we do have a naked body under those yoga clothes, and that it would be a shame to waste it. Which brings us to mindful loving.
Imagine meditating on something as simple as a raisin. Truly see its wrinkly beauty, smell vineyards and sunlight, caress it with your tongue, hear a slight sigh as you bite down, and taste the flood of sweet textured release. Mmm. Well, you just made love with that raisin.
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The Thrill can last Forever – Just get Mindful
September 21, 2015
You are sitting on your meditation cushion, at one with your breath. You feel good—mindfulness is working! Right here right now there is nothing more interesting than this very moment.
Suddenly you hear a voice you know so well, asking for the hundredth time “Honey, have you seen my keys?” You now spend your time wondering was this man, who counts picking up the car from the mechanic as a date, this woman, who forgets to feed the cat but knows the plot of every reality TV show, really once the most fascinating person in the world?
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Kill the Soulmate and Save your Relationship
September 13, 2015
Q I am in my 30’s and just went on a date with a really great guy, the first good one I’ve met in a long time. But I’m not sure if he is “The One”. I don’t want to settle if he isn’t my Soulmate. Am I being too picky?
A Sometimes I think the women of the world should file a class-action lawsuit against Mr. Walt Disney. Why? Because even 78 years after the movie Snow White hit the big screen, generations of little girls weaned on princess movies still truly believe someday their Prince will come. And any guy who isn’t everything she ever dreamed of gets booted straight into the frog-pond.
And don’t fool yourself into thinking the Soulmate myth is only held by little girls. Male or female, gay straight or bi, most of us are walking around seeking the perfect mate. Wake up people. There is no such thing as a “Soulmate”. No human can live up to the picture that you have created in your head.
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Beware of Mental Junk Food – You are what you Eat
July 2, 2015
The other day I gave in to a junk food craving. After a day of clean eating – kale smoothies, quinoa vegetarian chili, fresh fruit – a little voice said “come on, you know you want to” and I was seduced. Before I knew it I was munching on balsamic and pepper kettle chips and nuclear-orange cheesies. The next morning I woke up feeling bloated and unpleasant. Hmm, no kidding. Like my Granny often said, Garbage In, Garbage Out.
So how does my lapse in compassionate eating relate to mindfulness practice? Well, for both mind and body, you are what you eat. What we consume mentally influences how the mind feels –
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“No” is a complete sentence. Stop trying to have it all.
June 17, 2015
Q: I’m a wife, mother, and bank manager and these days I feel like I am failing at all of it. I meditate each morning and do yoga, but I’m still tired, stressed and cranky and I drop more balls than I catch. Why am I so lousy at having it all?
A: You can have it all, providing the “all” includes a nervous breakdown. Forget life-work balance. Whoever came up with that concept needs to straddle a see-saw for a few moments and discover that a balancing act is inherently precarious, exhausting, and impossible to maintain. Many female patients come to me for help with anxiety and exhaustion. They are wracked with guilt that they can’t find time to make homemade cupcakes for the school bake sale because they have a year-end report to write.
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A Doorway to Connection
April 14, 2015
I used to date a man who had old world manners to accompany his old world charm. He always held the door for me, both in the world of walking and when we rode in a car. When I complimented him on this, he told a story of his best friend whose boyfriend repeatedly complained that she slammed the car door when she got into his passenger seat. She asked my then boyfriend – “so is he right? Do I slam the door when I ride with you?” My friend smiled and replied “have you ever touched your own door handle around me?” And she realized she hadn’t. When she rode with him, he opened the door, waited patiently until she was settled inside, and then closed it, softly, behind her. No slamming involved.
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Tantra for Beginners
March 23, 2015
Tantra is a Sanskrit word that means “woven together”. Buddhist meditation practitioners use sexual union as a metaphor for weaving the physical together with the spiritual; weaving man to woman, and humankind to the divine. Sexual Tantra is a form of sacred sexuality in which a couple shares slow, non-orgasmic intercourse as a prelude to an experience of bliss and emptiness. So yes, Tantric sex is an erotic practice that you and your partner can explore. But remember, the purpose is to become enlightened, not to win an Olympic medal for carnal gymnastics.
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Sexual Fantasy – You are not 50 shades of weird
March 11, 2015
So you saw the movie Fifty Shades of Gray, and it turned you on. Now you find yourself fantasizing more often. You are wondering whether it is normal to be so stimulated by the idea of your man telling you what to do in bed. Well, welcome to the world of sexual fantasy. Yes, it is normal to fantasize…
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AHA – A Mindful Loving Moment
December 3, 2014
So there I was, looking for truth at the foot of the Himalayas, dodging soccer playing little-boy monks as I chased the wicked monkey who had swiped the last bit of gourmet chocolate from my windowsill (stupidly left unlatched by this naïve Canadian seeker), and the big wisdom coming down on me was – wow, I should have had less yak butter tea, because it’s freaking cold and I badly need to pee. And the outhouse is halfway down the rickety monastery staircase. Next to a pig. And all I really want to do is get to the delusionally-named internet café (one desk one monolithic computer one dial-up line and no coffee) so I can commune with the toe-curlingly wonderful man back home that I am falling in love with.
If that isn’t a how did I get here moment, I don’t know what is. So here’s how.
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