Mindful Loving
Rewire your Brain for Love – Don’t let old fears hijack your relationship
May 2, 2018
George was missing. The Disneyland hotel bed was crisply made but my sister’s security bear, loved and nuzzled into a sheepskin sphere with one weird glass eye, had vanished. A frantic call later, the smiling concierge appeared and placed a freshly laundered koala blob back into the waiting arms, and heart, of a tiny blonde girl. She slept, content, wrapped around her fuzzy friend.
It’s endearing, isn’t it, when a child needs a stuffed toy to feel safe. Until the tantrums start and the kid can’t calm themselves without it. We adults are no different. Hey, we all want to feel safe and secure. That’s why we fall in love. Except sometimes falling in love makes us feel scared, not safe, and we act like a nutcase—wracked with insecurity and fears. Why?
Rituals that Connect can keep Love Vibrant and Alive
May 1, 2018
Three days a week, I trot up the cement stairs that separate my home from my office. I switch on the kettle and check that the Kleenex box is full. Next, with the ocean reflecting blues and grays on the window, I sit with my palm on my heart and reflect on love and happiness. And then I welcome the first couple of the day.
“He never opens the car door for me anymore,” Desiree gripes. “Yah?” Scott huffs. “Well she says I can’t get a motorbike, and then yells because I don’t feel like some big anniversary party.” She shoots back, “I don’t even know who you are anymore.” And so it begins.
Are you Bored with your Mate? (Newsflash – It’s Not their Fault!)
March 4, 2018
Love boredom runs rampant both outside and inside the bedroom. And while it seems like a mystery – how the thrill doesn’t last forever – there is a simple, and correctable, cause.
The romance didn’t pack its black lacey self up and crawl out the bedroom window – you stopped making loving effort. Your neglected romance got kicked into the corner of your closet, sharing space with the lonely unmatched socks who are missing their mates as much as you are missing yours. You lost that loving feeling because you got complacent.
This Valentine’s Day Forget Chocolate – Practice Mindful Sex
February 13, 2018
This Valentine’s Day Forget Chocolate – Practice Mindful Sex
Have you ever had an orgasm while meditating? One of my students reports that her inner peace sometimes comes with a side dish of Oh My! She worried that she was weird, and asked “isn’t mindfulness about, well, the mind? Why do I get turned on?” As a sex therapist and meditation teacher, it drives me crazy that the topic of sex is avoided in discussions of mindfulness. If arousal is mentioned at all, it’s like a repeat of the bad advice we got in seventh-grade sex-ed class – sex is dirty, don’t think about it, nice meditators hang out in the mind, not the messy ole’ body. This leads to the confusion expressed by my student. But meditation is not meant to be a disconnected head-trip – it is about direct, embodied experience of what is occurring right now. And if right now you are making love, sexual pleasure can become a fabulous meditation object.
What’s The Number One Thing That’s Going to Kill My Mans Desire For Me?
December 12, 2017
Welcome back to another Video LoveByte where I answer your most burning Love and Relationship questions.
Today’s question comes from Tanya and she asks:
“What’s the number one thing that’s going to kill my mans desire for me?”
In this video I’ll share TWO of the biggest reasons why your partner may be feeling less horny towards you…and you toward him.
(This may surprise you)
Am I With The Right Person, Or Am I Settling?
September 25, 2017
So you’re in a relationship and you’ve got doubts… you ask yourself:
“Am I with the right person? How do I know if they’re my soul mate?”
A lot of you asked a variation of this question and in today’s video I’m going to answer this as well as debunk one of the greatest myths of our time. The myth of the soulmate.
I’m also going to share a little exercise you can use right away to help you gain some clarity and quickly figure out if you’re with the right person in under 5 minutes.
I’m afraid we will slide back to making love once a month. How can I keep us connected?
September 25, 2017
Q: This summer was great; my husband and I camped, played golf, and had a lot more sex. Now that we are returning to the daily grind I’m afraid we will slide back to making love once a month. How can I keep us connected?
A: It sounds like you experienced the vacation fling phenomenon: couples needing to get away in order to get it on. The ingredients are simple: take away work demands, interrupt daily routine, create time and space, and have fun exploring new things. Mix together and voila, we get two relaxed happy people who want to play. And making love should be play, not work.
How can I get my sex life back after the birth of my next child?
September 5, 2017
Q – How can I get my sex life back after the birth of my next child? Our daughter is 4, and we joke about “before Lola and after Lola” in terms of how becoming parents seemed to kill our passion. Now we are preparing for number two, and I am afraid we’ll never make love again.
A – Well, mommy, you are stuck between being a parent and being a Lover. Research shows that the greatest drop in marital satisfaction comes after the birth of the first child. (from research by John Gottman, Seattle Marital Institute, quoted in his books) How sad that something as wonderful as parenthood can deeply undermine the loving bond a couple had before there were three. Kids can kill not only your sex life, but your Lover life. Being a Lover is an active process; a verb, not a noun. You both need to cultivate passion and intimacy – it is not going to just show up when you are in the middle of breastfeeding and burping, hockey practice and homework.
Don’t Squabble Over Small Stuff – Make Love, Not War
February 27, 2017
What’s the dumbest argument you’ve ever had with a partner? Mine happened in a little blue convertible, driving to my former boyfriend’s cabin. We were in love, but we clashed often. We stopped for ice cream, and he brought me the wrong flavor. I complained loudly, he fired back. Then he reached over, took the sundae, and threw it out of the moving car. I stared at him in open-mouthed shock. Then I clearly saw how our discontented minds caused the harsh words and deeds. In that moment I had a choice. I could keep criticizing, or I could contact my heart. So I laughed, he relaxed, and I pledged to learn to fight fair.
Sure, I am a love expert now, but the truth is, I used to have tumultuous relationships. I mistook tantrums for passion. As for make up sex? Overrated.
This Valentine’s, Choose to Love, Mindfully
February 3, 2017
Valentine’s Day—a sweet sexy reminder to wow your mate with passion and appreciation, or a Hallmark holiday that pressures you to cough up romance on demand? Your response to this single-item test is telling. Sure, it’s easy to be cynical on February 14 and ignore the whole thing, or grab a random card because if you don’t your partner pouts until spring. But if you see only the superficialities, you are missing the possibilities. For love itself is…well, great, and celebrating is not cliché. So this year, instead of refusing to participate, use Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to love mindfully.
My granddad Norman was great at mindful loving. He first laid his sparkling blue eyes on my petite blonde grandmother Evelyn at a Valentine’s dance.