Q and A
My husband wants us to have mutual orgasms and I feel like I am letting him down. Am I normal?
December 12, 2017
Q: I have always been able to have an orgasm when I masturbate, but I rarely come during intercourse. My husband wants us to have mutual orgasms and I feel like I am letting him down. Am I normal?
A: In a word,yes. The majority of women-research indicates up to 80% – cannot reach orgasm through intercourse alone (or do so only occasionally). Listen up. Fewer than a quarter of women can come through thrusting alone; no matter how big his penis is, no matter how long he lasts, and no matter how you feel about him. The clitoris is the female sex organ; that is where the majority of the nerve endings that lead to orgasm are found. It is not located in the vagina, but outside and above it a few centimetres. When you touch yourself, you know exactly how hard or soft, slow or fast, to touch, and orgasms become easy. In most sexual positions with your partner, the penis does not provide adequate direct or indirect stimulation (pressure, rubbing) on the clitoris to lead to orgasm. Your hubby is frustrated that you don’t come together, but I suspect you are even more discouraged that you don’t come at all.
Disagreements are inevitable, but couples must learn how to argue well, or at least do no lasting harm.
November 7, 2017
All couples argue. The question is, are you simply a fiery emotional pair? Think about those movie scenes where she yells at him, he shouts back that he won’t put up with this anymore, and suddenly they’re kissing passionately. If this is you, disagreement may be your idea of foreplay. But be careful; sticks and stones break bones, but sometimes words really can scar souls and break marriages. Here’s my diagnosis… Your fights are healthy if they are infrequent, brief and—despite raised voices and heated words—end up in a resolution where both of you feel loved and heard…and then maybe even have great make-up sex. Your fights are unhealthy if they often involve name-calling or threats to end the relationship, or if they are not resolved and leave one of you feeling frustrated or wronged. In essence, does the fight bring you closer, or push you apart?
How Can I Get Comfortable In My Own Skin?
October 10, 2017
Q: My husband is a naked kind of guy. I’d rather have the lights out and make love under cover. How can I get comfortable in my own skin?
A: You are not the first woman to confess that she can barely bare it all. We actually live in a fairly frigid culture, and I am not referring to the winters in Iqaluit. Despite the popularly bandied belief that sexualized media and prolific pornography indicate an ease with all things sexual, at heart North America is still more Victorian than Victoria Secret. Sure, fashions and attitudes have changed dramatically; our great grandmothers would have been scandalized if a sister flashed too much ankle, and now our daughters flaunt cleavage, belly-button jewelry, and visible underwear everywhere. However, rapid social change is an external phenomenon. Internally and psychologically, many women have not kept pace. After all, for our generation “thongs” were rubber sandals. We may wish to feel comfortable flaunting our erotic selves, but we still carry some of the old embarrassment in our DNA. In other words, even liberated women can feel pretty uptight.
Am I With The Right Person, Or Am I Settling?
September 25, 2017
So you’re in a relationship and you’ve got doubts… you ask yourself:
“Am I with the right person? How do I know if they’re my soul mate?”
A lot of you asked a variation of this question and in today’s video I’m going to answer this as well as debunk one of the greatest myths of our time. The myth of the soulmate.
I’m also going to share a little exercise you can use right away to help you gain some clarity and quickly figure out if you’re with the right person in under 5 minutes.
I’m afraid we will slide back to making love once a month. How can I keep us connected?
September 25, 2017
Q: This summer was great; my husband and I camped, played golf, and had a lot more sex. Now that we are returning to the daily grind I’m afraid we will slide back to making love once a month. How can I keep us connected?
A: It sounds like you experienced the vacation fling phenomenon: couples needing to get away in order to get it on. The ingredients are simple: take away work demands, interrupt daily routine, create time and space, and have fun exploring new things. Mix together and voila, we get two relaxed happy people who want to play. And making love should be play, not work.
At 47, Can I Really Find Love On The Internet?
September 15, 2017
Q – After an unexpected divorce and two years of healing, I am ready to be in another relationship. But I have not been on a “date” since my teens! At 47, can I really find love on the internet?
A – In a word, yes. Marriages that began as a click on an internet profile are increasingly common. Why? Because adults today tend to have a limited social world, at least in terms of old fashioned face-to-face contact. We work, we parent, we see our girlfriends, and we don’t get out for anything else. We watch movies at home, we bank and order groceries on the computer, and we send texts rather than talk. Tangled in the World Wide Web, we seem more connected but are more isolated than ever. So how’s a girl ever gonna meet a guy? Forget the cute outfit honey; get thee to thy keyboard. Introducing your new matchmaker; your laptop.
How can I get my sex life back after the birth of my next child?
September 5, 2017
Q – How can I get my sex life back after the birth of my next child? Our daughter is 4, and we joke about “before Lola and after Lola” in terms of how becoming parents seemed to kill our passion. Now we are preparing for number two, and I am afraid we’ll never make love again.
A – Well, mommy, you are stuck between being a parent and being a Lover. Research shows that the greatest drop in marital satisfaction comes after the birth of the first child. (from research by John Gottman, Seattle Marital Institute, quoted in his books) How sad that something as wonderful as parenthood can deeply undermine the loving bond a couple had before there were three. Kids can kill not only your sex life, but your Lover life. Being a Lover is an active process; a verb, not a noun. You both need to cultivate passion and intimacy – it is not going to just show up when you are in the middle of breastfeeding and burping, hockey practice and homework.
He Isn’t My Type. Can Love Work Without Chemistry?
August 29, 2017
Q – I’ve been dating a guy for a few weeks who is great on paper. We both love to travel and our kids are similar ages. but I am a little ashamed to say that he is not my physical type. Can love work without chemistry?
A – It is said that the eyes are the window to the soul. Unfortunately, when it comes to dating, many potentially epic love affairs end before they start simply because we don’t like how he looks. Let me ask you this – if you were blind, would you find him attractive? Many people confuse good looks with attraction, and they are not the same. Sure, we turn our heads when a hunky man swaggers by, but if we talk to him he can quickly plummet from prince to toad -hot outside and empty inside. Alternatively, a guy with crooked teeth and a bit of a paunch can reveal confidence and playfulness that slide him into our heart, and into our bed.
Does The Sex Have To Get Boring?
July 25, 2017
Does the sex have to get boring? If so, what do you do? In today’s video I’ll answer that question as well as give you the latest update on my newest offering, the video LoveByte Q&A series – click here to watch now
Your mate is not wrong, just different.
September 15, 2016
Q – I want my mate to meditate. He’s a great partner in many ways, but we don’t fit philosophically. I teach mindfulness to at-risk youth and he is a high-stakes investment guy. I keep asking him to join me on the cushion, but he says it isn’t for him. How can I change his mind?
A – Since cave-boy first met cave-girl, partners have been trying to change each other. If only he or she liked dinosaur-knuckle stew, or would enjoy those William Shakespeare plays with me, or wanted to adopt a parrot. Or would learn to meditate. Sigh. So much relationship misery is caused by our attempts to fix our mate. But beware of the insidious if only. This thinking points to the fatal flaw in the scramble to live a pain-free life. It has an inherent assumption that sets you up for suffering – If only the one I love would change, then I would be happy.